January 27th, 2012. Day 27.

I recently recalled a particularly nasty anonymous message I received last year RE: my mental state. The gist of the message basically went, “if you were really suicidal you wouldn’t talk about it” “my friend killed himself and nobody had any idea he was struggling” “you’re not depressed you’re just an attention whore” “cunt” “bitch” “slut” etc.

I mean, if this is your attitude to people admitting they have problems, do you wonder why your friend never told you he wanted to take his own life? If he told you he wanted to die and ended up being brushed off as an attention whore, do you really think he would have thought, “Gee, everyone’s right. I’ll just snap out of this and be happy.”

I don’t like to say I have depression, because in reality I’m a lot better off than most people with mental disorders and I do think the term is thrown around much too loosely these days. But I hate that people can’t understand that it doesn’t just go away. I have a friend whose family has drilled the belief into her head that depression is just a state of mind that you can change. She often tries to make me believe it too.

Let’s say that person A has depression, and person B has diabetes. Person A can’t decide to get better any more than person B can. You can’t just tell someone to stop being depressed any more than you can tell someone to stop being diabetic. It just doesn’t work that way.

I was talking to my mum about this and she agreed with me wholeheartedly, which made me feel a little better. She said that there’s no hope in trying to make these people understand, that it would be like trying to describe purple to someone who’s colourblind. She said, “Some people just can’t see the colour purple.”

I don’t know what the point of this post was. Just that I like the term “the colour purple”, and that this whole topic is really upsetting.

January 10th, 2012. Day 10.

PS2 is fucked. Again. Taking it back and demanding a refund. Then I might just buy a brand new one. Also need a new KH2 game now because this stupid machine scratched the shit out of the disk.

firstworldwhitegirlproblems maybe I should just give up already idgaf

January 9th, 2012. Day 9.

Went into the city to get my I.D, finally. Plus got the PS2 replaced, finished Futurama already. Might go to Tara’s tomorrow instead of playing KH2 since I probably won’t be able to tear myself away once I start.

Now, Coke and Oreos.

January 8th, 2012. Day 8.

I just don’t care about anything anymore.

January 7th, 2012. Day 7.

Baby Dyke got me this beanie for my birthday last year. I sometimes really wish he hadn’t. He bought me several things and it feels really weird wearing/using them now, or even doing things that remind me of when we were together. It makes me sad, but it makes me sadder when I realise that he probably doesn’t have this issue at all. I don’t think he cares anymore. Blah.

Anyway, girls’ night in with Maxxie. Piercing is healing up nicely. Two minute noodles for dinner. PS2 is faulty and I need to return it but I’m relatively content, otherwise.

(Source: honestground)

January 5th, 2012. Day 5.

• got peer pressured into getting a dermal piercing (seen above)
• bought another grey shirt (I have four or five at this point)
• impulse bought a Playstation 2 and two games
• about to have pizza for dinner
• life’s good

Clearly I can’t be fucked updating this thing every day. Mum’s furious about the piercing and the PS2 and the way I’ve been spending my money. Whatever, let me have my materialistic pleasures. They’re all I’ve got.

Parents are re-sealing the floors in the back part of the house, rendering my bedroom, the kitchen, and the bathrooms inaccessible. I have to sleep in my brother’s room tonight. Fuck this shit, dude.

(Source: honestground)

January 3rd, 2012. Day 3.

Last night: fell asleep at 6am. Today: got up at 8:30. Earlier: fell asleep. Just now: woke up to find it’s only 3am and I’m wide awake. (And technically it’s the 4th now but whatever I’ll pretend I’m American.)

It’s really annoying how a lot of things make me think of Elliot. Like, I can’t watch my Rocky Horror DVD or wear my Gaskarth beanie because they were birthday gifts. I’ve moved on, but once in a while I’ll remember something and this feeling of resentment and nostalgia hits me out of nowhere. Like now, waking up to find it’s relatively early has brought back semi-painful memories. It’s my own fault for being so sentimental but man, this is crazy annoying.

EDIT: This camera angle makes my boobs look way bigger than they really are. Yay deceptive webcam photos!

January 2nd, 2012. Day 2.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such a foul attitude. And then I remember I work in customer service.

A woman came in tonight to return a movie she claimed that she’d already rented. Our system notifies us when a customer has already borrowed a movie, and she was pissed that we hadn’t told her she’d seen it before. I checked her borrowing history and she hadn’t rented the title before, so obviously she hadn’t borrowed the movie from us. According to her, it was our fault that she was too stupid to remember what movies she’s already seen. She wanted a refund as a reward for her idiocy.

It was too hot today to argue with stupid people.

January 1st, 2012. Day 1.

It’s time to put last year’s pain behind me. Learning to be content with myself, trying to tell myself I’m good enough. More tattoos, more piercings. I thought about you a lot last night, but I guess you didn’t think about me. Need to stop caring so much, worry less, and choose logic over heart. I want to die this year, before I’m nineteen. Not prepared to be an adult. Need to take a nap. Will post here daily.